Quote of the Day

I just can't get over the following paragraph, which I had to read four times on the train this morning:

Bond looked at the man with the recognition that exists between crooks, between homosexuals, between secret agents. It is the look common to men bound by secrecy - by common trouble. "Better make it quick."

--Ian Fleming, The Man with the Golden Gun, chapter 8.


By the way, the title of Chapter 8 is "Pass the Canapes!", and no, I did not add the exclamation point. I do have to admit that Bond books are oddly addictive, and they give me an increasing admiration of Mike Myers with every page.

ABOVE: Francisco "Pistols" Scaramanga,
aka The Man with the Golden Gun, faces off against
James Bond, aka Roger "I'm too pretty to die" Moore.

What would Clubber Lang do?

First of all, I would like to thank my lovely and talented wife for bringing the following to my attention: Mr. T takes on Dr. Phil.

While this could be the funniest fight scene ever (Lord, do I miss Celebrity Deathmatch), it's not. Mr. T, the living embodiment of all that was right (and wrong) with the 80s, now has his own reality show on TV Land. Maybe this isn't news to people with cable, but I say congrats to Mr. T on his new-found fame.

ABOVE: Mr. T as Clubber Lang, about to receive
a well-deserved beating in Rocky III.

And I think I know the first person that Mr. T should give a little Clubber Lang-style "motivation" to. Congratulations to Mark Downs of Dunbar, PA for setting a new standard in evil. If you hadn't seen him in the news, Mr. Downs was the Coach jailed for beaning an autistic player.

To quote the article,

"Authorities said Downs offered to pay one of his players $25 to hit Harry Bowers, a mildly autistic teammate, with a ball while warming up before a June 2005 playoff game. Prosecutors said Downs wanted the 9-year-old out of the game, because the boy didn't play as well as his teammates."

You might have to read that a couple of times before it sinks in; I know I had to. Wow.

***

Anyway, as a final parting gift before the weekend, I leave you with a musical masterpiece: Danish rocker Tommy Seebach's 1977 interpretation of the classic rock instrumental "Apache".



I want to be just like Tommy Seebach's drummer when I grow up. Also, note the disturbing resemblance between Seebach and Saturday Night Live's Andy Samberg.

Remember when Slayer was cool? Me neither.

This story caught my attention recently: Angry Christians force Slayer album out of India. As you might have guessed from the headline, there were protests in India over the cover art on Slayer's new album "Christ Illusion". The cover, which can be seen at the above link (I'll spare you from putting it here) , shows a mutilated and armless Jesus waist-deep in blood and surrounded by severed heads.

The most surpising part of all this: the boys of Slayer are still alive and making awful music. Congrats to them for making anyone care about anything they do for the first time since 1994.

Meanwhile, on the polar opposite end of the universe, someone has created a work of pure genius: The Ultimate Collectible.



Everyone I know is getting one of these bad boys for Christmas.

let the games begin

Tonight the Cardinals begin the series against their ancient foe, the New York Mets. It will be a long and unpleasant struggle, and as a Cards fan I fear for the outcome.

For those unfamiliar with the history of baseball in St. Louis, the Cards and Mets have a fierce rivalry dating back to the mid-80s, when they faced each other in the NLCS several years in a row. It was during this period that STL radio personality JC Corcoran made his one useful contribution to mankind by nicknaming the Mets "Pond Scum".

I don't know who will win. But I do know this: The White Sox should be ashamed of themselves.

Thanks to a new marketing deal, the Sox will now begin all their home games at 7:11 PM. That is just sad.

Random thoughts

If anyone needs a way to kill a few minutes at work, here are a few suggestions:

• Read this article from the Post-Dispatch: Gator is among domestic dispute victims. If you can read that title and not want to know more, you're a better person than me.
  
• Read this article, Rocket Men, about the world's first rocketbelt convention. (Never heard of a rocketbelt? That's a jetpack to you and me, Russ.)
• On the homefront, the Marshall Public Library in central Missouri has been challenged over their inclusion of graphic novels in the collection. One of the challenged books, Blankets by Craig Thompson, has won a long string of awards. I don't really have anything witty to say about that, just wanted to share.
• My idea for a Simpsomatic-based contest was an unadulterated failure, but maybe the South Park Studio will bring better luck. Thanks to the Marmoset for bringing this to my attention.
• Likewise, the Mr. Picassohead can bring hours of enjoyment, though I don't recommend trying a self-portrait unless you have far more artistic talent than I do. (Not that that's saying much.)
• Hey librarians, feeling tired and out of shape? Try the Library Workout Tape! The music alone is worth it. The year was 1987...
  
• On a related note, try The Librarian, a 1947 classic from the "Your Life Work" vocational films series. The best part is the two reference interviews, especially the second one. Brought to you by the good people at Internet Archive, itself an endless supply of diversions.
  

Those should get you started on a long and successful career of slacking at work. Or you can just do what I do and write a rambling blog post about how to waste time on the Internet.

Crash course

Frau and I watched a certain Oscar-winning film over the weekend. While I liked it better than she did, I can't say that either of us were all that impressed. Since there apparently was a moral in there someplace, and since I like to save other people some time, I now proudly present
What I Learned from Watching Crash:

When dealing with someone of another race...

• talk slowly and in complete sentences.
  
• calling them a racial slur to their face won't help.
• assume the other person is a moron who, at the slightest hint of confusion, will kill you in a blind panic.
  

I learned some other stuff too, like that Los Angeles is smaller than my high school and that Ludacris isn't a very good actor, but those things really aren't very enlightening. I'm just trying to help...

Don't touch the button

WARNING: Don't push the big red button. Down this path lies a world of madness.





You might ask yourself: what harm could come from pushing a button? A shiny, red candy-like button? Why don't you ask Cadet Stimpy?



NOTE: this exercise in insanity brought to you by stopbeingbored.com, makers of the Simpsomatic and other fine products.

We must be #26

PC World just released their list of the 25 Worst Web Sites Ever. By some miracle, the Daily Marmoset did not make the cut, but we'll try harder next year, I promise.

Some of the sites on the list are like a crappy blast from the past. Remember this guy, #24 on the list? For reasons I will never understand, the Internet (briefly) made Mahir "I Kiss You!" Cagri of Izmir, Turkey into a global celebrity for his astonishingly crappy home page, which has apparently not been updated since it hit the big time in 1999.

(Random Thought of the Day: I used to know a girl from Izmir. It's probably for the best that I never mentioned this site to her.)

While Cagri's impact on popular culture was microscopic (thank God), PC World does point out one upshot that I'd never noticed before. Note his remarkable resemblance to another cult celebrity with a giant moustache and tenuous grasp of English: Borat Sagdiyev, the sixth most famous man in Kazakhstan.

Borat and Mahir: Separated at birth?

A few of the other highlights from the list:

• Weighing in at #21, GoldenPalace.com, aka the Dark Lord of Ebay, the online casino, has been buying itself publicity for several years now through the purchase of such unholy relics as Britney Spears' lunch, William Shatner's kidney stone, some idiot's forehead, some other idot's firstborn, and Jerry Garcia's toilet.
  
• As an American, I can't tell you how relieved I am to hear that whitehouse.com (#13) is out of business.
  
• Some things never change: the creepy little Dancing Baby (#12) still fills me with rage, most of it directed at Ally McBeal.
  
• On the other hand, I will gladly give my life in defence of the Hamster Dance (#9).
  
• Bonzi Buddy (#8), gone but unfortunately not forgotten, can burn in hell. One accidental click and it took me a week to purge that damned purple freak from my computer.
• I'd never heard of it before, but CyberRebate (#2) has to be the dumbest business idea of all time: charge people a fortune for stuff, promise them a 100% rebate, then hope they're stupid enough to forget you offered them free money.
  

A lot of more legitimate websites made the list too, including Hotmail, Windows Update, and its #1 winner, MySpace. It's hard to argue with those choices - especially MySpace, which should probably be called Why Dateline Exists. But those aren't nearly as much fun, are they?