The Daily Marmoset

Your Favorite Destination on the "Next Blog" Superhighway.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Plutocracy

Last week, as you may know, the International Astronomical Union revised their definition of a planet, and in the process demoted Pluto to a "dwarf planet".

This has caused a surprising amount of controversy online, as some people seem to be weirdly attached to the ninth planet. Why this is such a hot-button issue suddenly is beyond me. Since I don't want to add any fuel to this silly debate, I will simply post the following and then be done with it.



Also, let the record show that I refrained from all Disney-related jokes. You're welcome.

By the way, the above photo is courtesy of Worth1000.com, a site that hosts an ongoing series of Photoshop contests. It's a very entertaining site which I highly recommend. The inventiveness of some Photoshoppers is just plain amazing.

In equally nerdy news, the 2006 Hugo Award winners were announced over the weekend. Congrats to all the winners, but especially to the previously mentioned John Scalzi on winning the Best New Writer award, and also to Joss Whedon and friends for winning "Best Dramatic Presentation: Long Form" (aka Best Movie) for Serenity. Now that was a damn good movie.

I wasn't especially surprised that Serenity won, though it had some extremely tough competition from Batman Begins, Harry Potter 4, the Chronicles of Narnia, and Wallace & Gromit. Any of those five easily could have won.

OK, I have to go, but one more "Worth 1000" photo was too good to pass up, so I'll leave you with this:

As usual, click on image for larger version

Friday, August 25, 2006

Predator for President

NOTE: Some time ago, I promised the Marmoset a gift in celebration of his outstanding entry on the sociopolitical importance of Rocky Balboa, not to mention his other recent accomplishments. Since I was using Photoshop this morning (for work, I swear!), it reminded me of said promise, which shall be fulfilled below.

* * *

A great many people in Hollywood eventually wind up in politics (and, occasionally, vice versa.)
According to some reports, even Charles Barkley is considering a run for governor of Alabama. When Sir Charles seems like a good political candidate, something in our country must be really, really wrong, but I digress.

For some strange reason, the cast of the 1980s action classic Predator seemed to be especially ambitious, as the heroic (yet remarkably slow-witted) band of U.S Special Forces included the future governors of both Minnesota and California. And one of them even survives to the end!

The Predator: ruthless warrior, fierce hunter, political kingmaker.
Of course, they were both in The Running Man too, but nobody except me seems to remember that. (I wish I didn't remember that movie every damn time I turn on the TV, but again I digress.) I also wish I could link here to Governor Ventura's historic Daily Show interview with Beth Littleford, but alas YouTube has failed me.

Anyway, I think it's time for the third star (third human star, that is) of Predator to step up and throw his hat into the ring. Therefore, in order to get the ball rolling I humbly present the following:

click on image for full-size version
I could think of worse candidates, actually. Lots of them. Hell, if I had the 2004 election to do again, I'd probably vote for Cthulhu.

As I write this entry, the Marmoset is locked in an epic academic struggle. If his own heart metanarrative should begin to wane, I hope this will help him get through. Eye of the Tiger, chief.

And if that doesn't encourage him, maybe Jon Stewart will.

PS - That reminds me. If my lovely sister-in-law is reading this, I know I owe her a favor, and it's next on my to-do list.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Conrad Poohs and His Dancing Teeth

While playing with some other web videos a while back, I found something I hadn't seen in years, and it's just as funny as I remembered.

Behold the genius of a young Terry Gilliam:



A longer and better quality version is available here, courtesy of Google Video.

If only I had a teensy bit more technical know-how, I would turn this into the greatest screensaver of all time.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Domo arigato Mister Roboto

I have a lot of work to do today, so I'll be quick...

I have often picked on the Frau for her mortal terror of robots. She half expects the Terminator or the Matrix (probably both) to switch from science fiction to documentary any day now. I've tried to introduce her to the concept of good robots like the Autobots or Voltron, but my efforts are always greeted with deep skepticism.

NOTE: Yes, I know Voltron technically isn't a robot, he's a spaceship that looks like a robot. Stay with me, people...

Anyway, I can only hope that this will change her mind:



Isn't he cute? But seriously folks, while real-life robots have come a long way, I think they have a long, long way to go before before swarms of Arnold Schwarzeneggers can start kicking down doors.

On a related note, I've always wondered why Skynet "disguised" all of its robots by making every one of them look like Arnold, but that will have to wait for another day. Duty calls.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

A little jerky? Thought you didn't want any!

As a Daily Marmoset tribute to our dad, who had a birthday last week, I'd like to profile one of his all-time favorite shows: the late, great "Almost Live".

NOTE: the title of this entry is, in fact, Dad's favorite joke from the show. Don't ask.


Beloved by the people of Seattle in the early 90s (and soon thereafter by viewers of Comedy Central), Almost Live was, pound for pound, probably the best sketch comedy show I've ever seen. The average Almost Live episode had more and better jokes than some whole seasons of SNL.

Granted, some of the humor was firmly tied to that time and place, and therefore doesn't export all that well. But Seattle in the Golden Age of Grunge was a gold mine of comedy potential, some of which can seen below:

NOTE: Since they made this tribute possible, YouTube is now officially better than cable.
  • Unfortunately, I couldn't find any examples of Speed Walker, the world's healthiest superhero, played by Bill Nye in his pre-Science Guy days.
  • Nor could I find my personal favorite, "Mind Your Manners with Billy Quan", a show about a Bruce Lee wannabe who teaches etiquette to ill-mannered people by beating the hell out of them.
  • COPS parodies were a particular favorite of theirs, such as LIBRARIANS. (As a librarian I'm probably supposed to report this to my colleagues so they can write at great lengths about combating stereotypes, but oh well.)
  • One of their most famous bits was the High Five'n White Guys. It seems to get better with age. "White guys are cooool!"
  • Their other most famous routine was The Lame List, "brought to you by America's heavy metal community". Starring Kim Thayil of Soundgarden and some other guys I should probably recognize but don't.
  • I don't remember seeing their Bob Ross parody, but it's a thing of beauty.
  • The same goes for Nature Walk with Chuck.
  • I'd completely forgotten how much I love Uncle Fran's Musical Forest. That raccoon kills me every time.
  • What was the single most important part of Almost Live's greatness? Two words: Pat Cashman, baby.




  • As an encore, here's the great Mr. Cashman in his role as spokesman for Lard, the most nutritious of all the animal fats.
P.S. - According to the Web, there was an Almost Live reunion show that aired last fall. It seems the motivational speaker market is booming these days. Anyway, the show can be seen online if you have the time and patience for a 350MB download, which I don't at the moment.

A Gift for the Frau

And now, an extra-big Marmoset salute to Frau Skippy in congratulations on her new job. I am very proud of her.

To celebrate this momentous occasion, here is a link to the website of singer/songwriter Mitch Benn, from which his song "I May Just Have to Murder James Blunt" can be downloaded.

The chorus, to give you some idea of this song's brilliance, goes something like this:

I may just have to murder James Blunt
He's an evil I know I must confront
I'm well aware he was in the military
But Dragon Ninja training couldn't save
his scrawny ass from me.


I must admit, at first I was disappointed that I didn't hear the words "looks and sounds like a drowned chihuahua" in Benn's description of James Blunt. But between that and his other song, "Everything Sounds like Coldplay Now", I just may have to ask Santa for a Mitch Benn CD this year.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

What a country!

Just a few more of my little odds and ends before I have to get back to work:
  • Due to popular demand, here is a link to Harry and the Potters singing their smash hit, The Wrath of Hermione, though judging from the lyrics I would have called it "Rita Skeeter Better Watch Out", since that seems to be the only line.
(Actually, that link seems to be out of commission today, but you can try the link later. If you're into that sort of thing, that is. It's cool, I'm not judging. Honest.)
  • Special thanks to mein lovely Frau, for sending a copy of Draco and the Malfoys' far superior song "My Dad is Rich (Your Dad is Dead)".
  • Here, as an overdue gift to the Frau, is a link to The Surprising Adventures of Baron Munchausen, which inspired the highly underrated movie of the same name.
  • Time Magazine has released their list of the 50 Coolest Websites of 2006. Sadly, the Daily Marmoset has once again been overlooked. This is especially shocking since their list of the All-Time Novels had the surprisingly good taste to give Alan Moore his due. I guess we're just a little too far ahead of our time for Time.
  • One of Time's "25 Sites We Can't Live Without" was the hyper-geeky (but sometimes useful) Lifehacker site. Their headline story on speed reading and speed reading tools made me think of the Marmoset. The poor, long suffering, nose-deep-in- collie-and- academic-crap Marmoset. Hang in there, Chief.
  • And finally, 1980s comedy icon Yakov Smirnoff has become a professor at Missouri State University. Yes, you read that last sentence correctly. Professor Smirnoff is currently teaching a class in positive psychology called Living Happily ever Laughter. Maybe this was inevitable in a state where the second-largest university is only half an hour north of Branson. (I would be interested in the Marmoset's thoughts on this subject, given his past experiences with this sort of thing.) I can't wait till next year, when Professor Rogers -- or someone who looks like him -- will teach a course on game theory called "Know When to Hold, Know When to Fold 'Em" and Dr. Andy Williams will conduct a graduate seminar on the ecology of Moon River.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Today in the news

Three different articles in this morning's Post Dispatch caught my attention by their sheer strangeness:
  • The Contemporary Art Museum is hosting a benefit concert tonight. Who's playing, you ask? A punk rock group called Harry and the Potters, who will be"presenting a repertoire about the books with a heavy punk rock influence". Opening for them will be - I swear to God - Draco and the Malfoys. Click here if you don't believe me.


  • There was a lengthy article on the new Geico ads starring celebrities like Charo, Burt Bacharach, and the eternally awesome Little Richard. Funny as these commercials are, they still cannot touch the reigning champion Real Men of Genius (also available in mp3!).

The man and his hair, circa 1966
  • Last but not least, we have an article on the fantatically stupid sport of kite tubing. A kite tube, for those who don't know (and I didn't before today), is an inflatable raft that you tow behind a motorboat. But unlike a normal raft, which was presumably designed by a sane person, kite tubes are aerodynamically made to go airborne and soar like a kite when they hit a certain speed. Hence the name. For reasons which should be painfully obvious (forgive the pun), the Army Corps of Engineers has wisely banned kite tubes from all waterways it controls, and the Consumer Product Safety Commission has issued a recall.
Yeah, good thinking guys.

Recalled or not, a rousing Marmoset salute to the good people at SportsStuff, Inc. on their ability to find exciting new ways for idiots to hurt themselves.

For the first time in ages, I am reminded of that oldest and most venerated of websites: the legendary Darwin Awards. Shame on me for not linking to that sooner. If you have never seen this site, please do yourself a favor. Natural selection has never been funnier.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

If'n you aint the grandaddy of all liars

The Post-Dispatch this morning reported that the Cross-County extension of Metrolink will officially start running at 12:15 pm on Saturday, August 26.

At long last, my twice-a-day battles up Grand from 44 and back are nearly at an end.

The only thing that could make this a little sweeter is someone were to embarras AOL in front of the whole country. Oh wait, they did.


This calls for a celebration. All together now: Happy Happy Joy Joy, Happy Happy Joy Joy...

Monday, August 07, 2006

I suddenly wish I'd paid more attention in govdocs class...

From our "Librarians-pay-attention-to-it-so-you-don't-have-to" department:

A library blog entitled Free Government Information recently was featured by the ALA for its entry Best Titles Ever!, which details, predictably enough, some of the greatest titles in the history of the Government Printing Office. The moral of the story -- there are some astonishingly funny people in the Federal Govt.

I just thought I'd share with everyone the cover of my personal favorite:

Come to think of it, there actually is very little that I want to know about shipping high-level nuclear wastes.

If you don't want to read the whole list, here are a few of my other favorites:
  • Elder Abuse, Neglect, and Exploitation: Are We Doing Enough?
  • Do You Know Oatmeal? (Yes, but not as well as I'd like.)
  • Fertilizers in a National Emergency
  • Let's Use TV! (No thanks, I'm too busy getting to know oatmeal.)
  • Identifying Sheep Killed by Bears (Hint: the giant tooth marks are a dead giveaway)
  • Step into Action: A Guide for the Above-knee Amputee (I bet the amputees get a kick out of that one! See what I did there?)
  • Vitamin A in War and Peace
  • Know Your 8-Inch Howitzer (insert dirty joke here.)
  • A Winning Combination: Wild Horses and Prison Inmates (insert Brokeback Mountain joke here.)
Other goodies on the list included a comic about Sprocket Man, the official superhero of bicycle safety. The comic is available online for those who want to learn more about toe guards and the dangers of wooden posts in the dark.

Of course, the USA may dominate the field of bureaucratic stupidity, but it's certainly not a monopoly. One of the documents was a report by the Canadian Centre for Health Services entitled "Who Are the Zombie Masters and What Do They Want?". An excellent question, if I ever heard one.

(NOTE: if you don't believe me about the Zombies, there is a PDF copy online. Beware of long load times.)

On a significantly less funny note, one of the documents was a 1946 report by the War Relocation Authority about the closing of Japanese internment camps. It goes by the amazingly Big Brother-ish title of A Story of Human Conservation.

Odds and Ends

And now for something completely different, I'll ramble about some stuff because I have a few minutes to kill at work:
  • Mabel the Teddy Bear, the prize possession of a very young Elvis Presley, met with a gruesome end after an encounter with Barney the Guard Dog. The bear, which was an original Roosevelt-era toy from 1909, was valued at around $75,000. The owner of the bear, Sir Benjamin Slade, was quoted as being "not very pleased at all". On the bright side, this puts Sir Benjamin in the lead for the 2006 Understatement of The Year.
  • Apparently The Christmas Shoes, which I mentioned two posts ago as supposedly being the saddest song ever recorded, was also a bestselling book and a TV movie. Sorry I missed out on all that... By the way, the video can be seen here, if you dare.
  • After all this talk of gloom and destruction, it's nice to see some things being recovered. An Irish construction worker found a medieval Book of Psalms in a bog, where it had apparently been dropped by raider 1,200 years earlier.
  • Elsewhere, another medieval prayer book has been found to contain a lost work of Archimedes beneath its original text. I can only hope it includes plans for his greatest invention, the original Death Ray. But I'm not that optimistic.


In closing, the magical wonderland known as YouTube is crawling with Star Wars parodies. Some are funny (and many are not), but few can compare with this:


Thursday, August 03, 2006

Someone in the Warehouse

I almost forgot: it's Thursday, and that means Episode 5 of the Office web shorts is online.

This is the best one yet. Like I said, Kevin needs more time to shine.

Gloom, Despair, and Agony on Me

Last night we watched Volume 2 of the Best of Hee Haw (which is sort of an oxymoron, but whatever). Frau loved it.

My reaction? Well, at least it had Johnny Cash. That makes just about anything enjoyable.

According to Wikipedia, CBS first aired Hee Haw as a mid-season replacement for the Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour in 1969, after the brothers were canceled for getting too political. Of course, the phrase "According to Wikipedia" is the moral equivalent of "It happened to this guy my friend's brother knows". But I believe Wikipedia in this case, if only because it lets me imagine the following conversation:

CBS Bigshot - Now that we're done with those dirty pinkos and their weird explosive-loving friends, we need something else. What's the least hippie-like thing you can think of?

Flunkie - Umm, inbred hillbillies drinking moonshine and telling prehistoric jokes in a cornfield?

Bigshot - Perfect!

And so it began...

The title of this entry reminds me of another thing I forgot to mention recently. The Post-Dispatch reviewed a book with the charming title of I Hate Myself and Want to Die: The 52 Most Depressing Songs You've Ever Heard by Tom Reynolds.



The book covers songs from the "tragedy songs" of the early 60s (Teen Angel, the Last Kiss, etc.) to Nine Inch Nails, but no blues or jazz music. Reynolds defends this decision by saying that the blues have a "sense of defiance" to them that makes them more about anger than despair. I will admit that the saddest blues song I know, "Death Letter" by Son House, is a lot more pissed off than depressed, but there's plenty of room in there for both.

It looked like 10,000 people standin on the burial ground
I didn't know how much I loved her until they laid her down. . .


Then I folded up my arms and slowly walked away,
Ain't going to see my good girl again until the Judgment Day

See what I mean?

Anyway, I don't understand a lot of his choices, such as #30 on the list being "The End" (or as I like to call it, "Twenty minutes of Jim Morrison ranting like a mental patient".) But I do have to give Reynolds credit for his #1 pick, even if I'd never heard of it before. He chose the horrifyingly sappy "Christmas Shoes" by the Christian rock band Newsong.

To save you from reading the lyrics and then having to suppress the urge to shoot yourself, here's the gist: it's about a little boy who tries to buy an expensive pair of shoes on Christmas Eve as a gift for his dying mother. He has no money but he needs the shoes because "I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight". Yikes.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Pete, Pete's brother Pete, and some other stuff

First of all, congrats to the Marmoset on his triumphant return to the blog. I am properly awed by his entry, and he gets extra bonus points for the term "command biology" and for exposing "the Hobbit Connection". The prize shall be his, and soon.

(Did I mention there was a prize? Well, there is.)

Moving on...

Last night was another Pete and Pete mini-marathon for the Frau and I. God bless the inventor of Netflix. The episodes actually seem to have improved over time.

a few observations:
  • The prize for best line goes to Little Pete: "My own brother ditched me for a girl. I don't blame him, I blame his glands."
  • The second best line, unsurprisingly, also belongs to Little Pete: "Can you imagine what Honest Abe could have accomplished with a jetpack?"
  • I'm slightly disappointed in the Frau for not recognizing Debbie Harry as the lady who nearly lost her dog to a landmine in her front yard.
  • Michael Stipe also had a guest spot, as a creepy ice cream vendor named Captain Scrummy. I didn't remember his character, but I guess that's for the best, since he hates fame.
  • Judging from the previous two points (among many, many other things) the makers of Pete & Pete had very specific musical tastes in the early 90s.
  • In the days before Reservoir Dogs, Steve Buscemi was even weirder looking.
  • On the subject of guest stars, it was a pleasure to see Artie, the Strongest Man in the World impale the Sopranos Guy with a newspaper.
  • It's a shame that more villains don't have henchmen like Butt Stripe and Gravy Breath.
  • I wonder how old you have to be before the International Adult Conspiracy will contact you? I'm still waiting.
Gotta love him.

On a related note, Youtube (and a more fully developed dirty mind) has given me a disturbingly new perspective on another beloved show of this era: Rocko's Modern Life. How in the hell did that get on Nickelodeon?

(EDITOR'S NOTE: If you enjoyed on the Rocko link above (and I know you did), don't forget Parts Two and Three.)

Last but not least, it was in the paper this morning that work on the next Batman movie has begun. All they have said about it is that it will be called "The Dark Knight" and the new Joker will be played by Heath Ledger. OK, an odd choice but it could work. I'm willing to give him a chance, but the first time that anyone can't quit someone it's over.