Send in the Clowns (Friday WTF)

A friend of mine sent me a link to this video the other day, which was immediately awarded Friday WTF status:



For more information, see our recent post on this important topic.

I usually just let the FWTF speak for itself, but two other items in the news need to be addressed.

1. One of the great mysteries of the world has been solved, thanks to the greatness of David Malki!.

2. This news article, "Anti-Emo Riots Break Out Across Mexico", caught my eye, and probably would have been today's Friday WTF if not for the above video. Mostly I'm just impressed that Mexico has enough teenage Rockabilly fans to form an actual riot. The musical tastes of Mexican youth are apparently far superior to that of their American counterparts.

Happy Easter (Sunday WTF)

You may have noticed there was no Friday WTF this week. This is partly because I was busy, and partly because I didn't really feel like posting some random piece of Youtube flotsam on Good Friday.

Today, on the other hand, is Easter Sunday, and I can proudly present this.



Happy Easter!

Sir Arthur C. Clarke, 1917-2008

I'm sorry to report that Arthur C. Clarke, the last and (in my opinion) greatest of the Big Three science fiction writers, died today at the age of 90. Clarke was last mentioned here a few months ago in a post honoring his 90th birthday.

Just recently I read one of Clarke's nonfiction books, "Profiles of the Future". A lot of his "extrapolations" (he didn't like to call them predictions), unsurprisingly, were way off, and a few were disturbingly on the mark. But it was very interesting to see his views of technology. Clarke's immense hope for the future and his belief in humanity's vast potential is very inspiring for me.

I love pretty much everything of his I've read so far, and I've always meant to read more Clarke, especially the Hammer of God and the Rama series. The Space Odyssey books are outstanding (though missing a lot of the weirdness that makes the movie so wonderful), and so are the highly underrated novel Childhood's End, The Star and (probably his best known short story) The Nine Billion Names of God.

Wired has a nice tribute to Clarke, including his contribution to their 2006 Very Short Stories project (Clarke cheated and used ten words instead of the required six). His story, in its entirety, was:

"God said, 'Cancel Program GENESIS.' The universe ceased to exist."

Wired also quotes Clarke's epitaph, which seems the ideal way to end this tribute to him.

'He never grew up; but he never stopped growing.'

Coming soon

I wrote recently about everyone's least favorite rampaging green anti-hero, the Hulk. Yahoo Movies just released the trailer for his new movie, due out in June.



It looks surprisingly promising. Edward Norton should make a pretty good Bruce Banner, along with Tim Roth as Emil Blonsky, aka "The Abomination" and Liv Tyler as Betty Ross. Two things concern me, though:

• No Sam Elliot. Not that I have anything against William Hurt, but after seeing the first attempt at a Hulk movie, I have a really hard time picturing anyone else as General Thaddeus "Thunderbolt" Ross. Sam Elliot just plain looks like a guy who should be named Thunderbolt, am I right?
  


• According to the Yahoo site, Ty Burrell (the guy talking to Banner at the start of the trailer, I think) plays Dr. Leonard Samson. Doc Samson -- who in absolutely no way should be confused with Brock Samson -- is Marvel Comics' resident super-psychiatrist. That's right, he's a superhero who provides psychiatric counseling to other superheros. Granted, there are a LOT of superheros could certainly use some therapy, but his being in this movie is probably not a good omen.
  

In related news, the movie version of Alan Moore's masterpiece "Watchmen" is apparently coming out in just under a year. Yahoo Movies has a number of photos, some of which look fairly good, others not so much.

I have long believed that Watchmen, probably the greatest graphic novel ever written, is 100% unfilmable. There is just too much overlapping stuff crammed in there to make a coherent movie; either a director would have to (a) slash out practically everything that made it great, or (b) cram in so much material that none of it would make any sense, or (c) make it about 7 hours long. Not to give anything away to those who haven't read it, but judging by the photo of the newsstand, I'm placing my bet on (b).

Who knows, maybe I'm wrong and the movie will turn out to be a masterpiece in its own right. But the more I think about it, the more my brain comes back to Alan Moore's guest appearance on the Simpsons.

ABOVE: "Which of the Watchmen Babies is
your favorite, Mr. Moore?" Absolute freaking genius.

May the road rise up to meet you

We at the Daily Marmoset would like you wish you a very Happy St. Patrick's Day, and so we proudly present this heartwarming tribute to the Emerald Isle by the legendary Leprechaun Brothers:



Also, let me take this opportunity to give you a very important public service message: playing video games might save your life.

(Note to the Frau: I told you so.)

The Brown, Brown Grass of Home (Friday WTF)

I had a special holiday Friday WTF lined up for almost a week, but as of this morning it has been pre-empted by President Bush serenading the Media.



The song, a parody of the Country/Western classic "The Green, Green Grass of Home", is all about such laugh riots as Hurricane Katrina, potential war with North Korea, and sucking up to "some oil rich Saudi".

What, too soon?

At the other end of the comedy spectrum, a District Attorney in Texas is being prosecuted for turning a government-owned storage server into a high powered gaming machine. To quote Penny Arcade, "It's a crime, yeah, but it's an awesome crime."

Thar she blows

Sailors have spotted a white whale in the Aleutian Islands. I feel the sudden urge to buy a boat and obsessively search for one until it kills me. Good thing I now know to look near Alaska instead of New England.


Until this morning, I had no idea that white whales were real. Then again, I had no idea that goddesses could go into early retirement, so it shows you what I know.

Viva Democracy! (Friday WTF)

This week's Friday WTF is an important message on our political process. Thanks to Marmoset for bringing it to my attention.

(Editor's Note: Please keep all employers and small children away from the following video)


Poll: Bullshit Is Most Important Issue For 2008 Voters

In other news, I have made an important decision: when I grow up, I want to be exactly like Buster Martin. That gives me another 72 years before I have to grow up.

Lock and Load

Before we get started, I want to be clear on a couple of things:

• I have nothing against gun owners, although my own interest in guns is pretty minimal.
• Internet discussion boards are the unwashed armpit of our society.

That said, Shrine of the Mall Ninja is the funniest thing I have read in months. This page is a collection of discussion board postings by someone named Gecko45 - later joined by a "comrade in arms" named SPECOPS - on a number of gun-related discussion boards. They talk about the hardships and intense danger that is the life "of a 3 man Rapid Tactical Force Team, in one of the nation’s largest indoor retail shopping centers."

That's right. Mall cops.

What follows is an epic tale of terrorism, Chechen rebels, and B.S. piled higher than I've ever seen it piled before. A few samples, (original spelling and grammar intact) in no particular order:

• We would never consider using any missles larger than our modified surplus Shrikes, Hellfires are completly out of the question.


• ...years in a dark secret Russian prison center had honed my natural night vision to that of a tomcat.


• If a kid picks up a candy bar and runs, you give him a warning before you cuff him. Same with those mindless teenyboppers who go to the Hickory Farms store, and then take double samples of fruitcake and cheeselog, you warn them that they will be charged with a felony(grand theft), and that if they attempt to fight and run, they will be, unfortunately, first tazered, and if they continue to resist violently with intent to maim, then wounded. Fortunately, wounding fire to suppress teenage kleptomaniacs is relatively easy, they all run in straight lines, and a hit in the knee will be relatively simple from the second floor.


• ...meanwhile two perps popped up from behind the skeeball machine with sawed off 12 gauges


• Those Asian Gangs love Mortal Kombat.
  


• Can I leave it all behind? should I? Or is my life better spent as the silent, alert, stalwart, invisible guardian of the free mall…

Wow.

Is this real? Well, obviously it's not real, but do they expect us to know that? Are these two simply liars, or are they geniuses of performance art? Many parts of this, especially SPECOPS's grand finale at the end, sound far too over the top for anyone to intend them to be believed. It's hard to believe that anyone in the world is dumb enough to expect people to believe this. Then again, see my opening comment about discussion boards. After careful consideration, I have decided that it completely does not matter.

NOTE: Special thanks to board moderator SteyrAUG (who jumps in at the very end) for giving this whole thing the absolute best of all possible endings.

If you want some more, you might try the inferior (and almost certainly fake) follow-up entry Return of the Iron Fist of the Mall Ninja.


In closing, let me refer all questions, comments, etc. regarding guns and/or gun control to the St. Gabriel Possenti Society, "An organization dedicated to promoting St. Gabriel Possenti as the Patron Saint of Handgunners."

Hail to the Chiefs, part 4

We had planned to do some more Presidential coverage, but due to a lack of time here is a quick rundown of some other winners:

Funniest Presidential Name: Millard Fillmore (runner up: Rutherford Birchard Hayes)

Unfunniest Comic based on a Funny Presidential Name: Mallard Fillmore

Most Likely to be Picked on by Other Presidents: James "Aunt Fancy" Buchanan

Most Hated President that Everybody Loves Now: Harry S Truman

ABOVE: the papers bet on Dewey for a reason.

Weirdest Middle Name: S, as in Harry S Truman (runner up: once again, Rutherford Birchard Hayes)

Most Mannish Wife: Very tough call, but I'll have to go with Herbert Hoover's wife -- Lou Henry Hoover (If only because both her names are more manly than his).

Most Likely to be Poisoned by his Wife: Warren Harding

Most Likely to be Eaten by a Bunny Rabbit: Jimmy Carter

ABOVE: The world's most cuddly assassin.

Only President to Stab a Cougar: Theodore Roosevelt

And, last but not least, our most prestigious award:

Best Facial Hair: Chester A. Arthur, without question.

ABOVE: I've been telling the Marmoset for
years that he needs to grow one of these bad boys.
When/if he does, my life will officially be complete.

Maybe the Marmoset and I will come up with some more awards later, or maybe we'll try this again next year. Or not.