Lock and Load

Before we get started, I want to be clear on a couple of things:

• I have nothing against gun owners, although my own interest in guns is pretty minimal.
• Internet discussion boards are the unwashed armpit of our society.

That said, Shrine of the Mall Ninja is the funniest thing I have read in months. This page is a collection of discussion board postings by someone named Gecko45 - later joined by a "comrade in arms" named SPECOPS - on a number of gun-related discussion boards. They talk about the hardships and intense danger that is the life "of a 3 man Rapid Tactical Force Team, in one of the nation’s largest indoor retail shopping centers."

That's right. Mall cops.

What follows is an epic tale of terrorism, Chechen rebels, and B.S. piled higher than I've ever seen it piled before. A few samples, (original spelling and grammar intact) in no particular order:

• We would never consider using any missles larger than our modified surplus Shrikes, Hellfires are completly out of the question.


• ...years in a dark secret Russian prison center had honed my natural night vision to that of a tomcat.


• If a kid picks up a candy bar and runs, you give him a warning before you cuff him. Same with those mindless teenyboppers who go to the Hickory Farms store, and then take double samples of fruitcake and cheeselog, you warn them that they will be charged with a felony(grand theft), and that if they attempt to fight and run, they will be, unfortunately, first tazered, and if they continue to resist violently with intent to maim, then wounded. Fortunately, wounding fire to suppress teenage kleptomaniacs is relatively easy, they all run in straight lines, and a hit in the knee will be relatively simple from the second floor.


• ...meanwhile two perps popped up from behind the skeeball machine with sawed off 12 gauges


• Those Asian Gangs love Mortal Kombat.
  


• Can I leave it all behind? should I? Or is my life better spent as the silent, alert, stalwart, invisible guardian of the free mall…

Wow.

Is this real? Well, obviously it's not real, but do they expect us to know that? Are these two simply liars, or are they geniuses of performance art? Many parts of this, especially SPECOPS's grand finale at the end, sound far too over the top for anyone to intend them to be believed. It's hard to believe that anyone in the world is dumb enough to expect people to believe this. Then again, see my opening comment about discussion boards. After careful consideration, I have decided that it completely does not matter.

NOTE: Special thanks to board moderator SteyrAUG (who jumps in at the very end) for giving this whole thing the absolute best of all possible endings.

If you want some more, you might try the inferior (and almost certainly fake) follow-up entry Return of the Iron Fist of the Mall Ninja.


In closing, let me refer all questions, comments, etc. regarding guns and/or gun control to the St. Gabriel Possenti Society, "An organization dedicated to promoting St. Gabriel Possenti as the Patron Saint of Handgunners."