Happy Halloween

Have you ever laid awake in bed, wondering what the most common form of horror-movie death is? Lord knows I haven't. But if I had, I'm sure it would now be a great relief to discover that the answer is impaling. This world-changing revelation (which really isn't all that revealing to anyone who's ever actually watched a horror movie.) comes to us courtesy of the Family Media Guide and their new Halloween Horror Review, which ranks the most violent horror films of all time.

I'm sure the Marmoset will be greatly pleased to see his beloved Jason Voorhees take the #1 spot with the timeless classic "Freddy Versus Jason" ranked as the bloodiest horror movie ever. Personally, I lost interest somewhere around Friday the 13th Part 5,612, so I'll have to take their word for it. However, I do have to congratulate Tim Burton for scoring a stellar 27 decapitations in one film.

Surprisingly, second prize goes to Jaws. While this is a beautifully scary movie, it makes me wonder where they found "27 impalements" in that movie, unless they individually count each time they jab at the shark with something pointy. It just goes to show how pointless it is to try and quantify this sort of thing. All the shark bites in the world aren't as creepy as the theme music, and the scariest scene in Jaws is really just three guys sitting around talking.

And now for something really scary: a new reality show I actually want to watch. What a beautiful idea.

We happy few

Today is the 590th anniversary of Agincourt, the famed battle in which a large army of aristocratic French knights were thoroughly crushed by a much smaller (and less snooty) English army. How embarassing for them...

Besides being a crucial turning point in European history, Agincourt is also famous for inspiring the world's most famous pep talk, the Crispin's Day Speech, which has in turn inspired a wide variety of others. Shakespeare called it that because today is also the Feast of St. Crispin, who - ironically enough - was himself a Frenchman.

NOTE: Of course St. Crispin, the patron saint of shoemakers, should never be confused with St. Hubbins, the patron saint of quality footwear.

To honor this glorious occasion, I suggest standing up and giving a rousing speech before beating up someone who's bigger than you (and preferably French). If that's not your idea of a good time, celebrate Shakespeare and the power of language by learning a few new words that we don't have in our language, but should. Or, you can point and laugh at this guy, the CEO of St. Louis' own Savvis Communications, who claims a topless bar in New York overcharged him by about a quarter of a million bucks (he "only" spent about $20,000). I hate it when that happens, don't you?

No, I don't have any idea what that last one has to do with Agincourt, or Shakespeare. It's still funny, though.

Good news and bad news

Well, after 100 regular-season wins, a clean sweep of the division series, and the single most exciting home run of Albert Pujols' life, the Cardinals' season is at an end. Sadly, Busch Stadium, KMOX broadcasts, and Larry Walker's remarkable career are all ending with it. It's an end of an era.

Granted, it is nice that Biggio and Bagwell will finally get their first trip to the World Series after 15 years of patience and loyalty to their team. They earned it. I'm also kind of relieved that Roger Clemens is going back to the Series, since he seems so hell-bent on one more championship before retirement that he'd probably keep pitching till around the age of 102 if necessary. So good for the Astros. I'm sure next year will be the Cards' year. (God, it's been so long since we won I'm starting to sound like a damned Cubs fan.)
But there are other things to cheer me up. After months of boredom, one of the scandals that make me love watching the local news has again reared its eternally funny head. Local billionaire's daughter Paige "Arena" Laurie has officially returned the diploma she didn't earn. You might remember when she was busted on 20/20 last November for having bribed her way through college and the University of Missouri had to rename the Basketball Arena her father had spent $25 million to name after her.

Now that she's without a college degree, I think Paige's next move should be the wonderful world of Reality Television. She always wanted to go into showbiz, and I have the perfect idea for her. Hey, if Tommy Lee can get a fake education on TV, why can't she?

In a final note of weirdness, the body of a WWII serviceman was found frozen in a block of ice, where he'd been since crashing there over sixty years ago. Strange, but this story somehow sounds very familiar.

Everybody can change

It's true... He's coming back.
I find that Rocky provides the perfect metanarrative for understanding American history. Here we have an immigrant, beat down by the hostility of his working-class environment, until he rises above the fray and becomes a true contender in the heavyweight match of capitalist society.

He clutches to his position at the top, and even topples, but a renewed awareness of the Soviet threat brings him to rise once more in a new arena, through a spirit of unity with those whom he once called adversaries. And as the Russian menace beats him into a state of mental disability, he manages to beat democracy into Ivan, while winning over the masses with a truly righteous display of "heart."

And I will add further that Skippy should not treat the Beach Hug with such irreverence. It has brought inspiration to millions, and he who would question the power of the "heart metanarrative" deserves an E-boot up the ass.

Maybe this will get him to post something

Looking on Yahoo News this morning, I found the following headline:

Stallone getting back in ring for sixth "Rocky"

Although I am 534 miles away, I can hear the Marmoset squealing with girlish joy.

One final note: while doing a little online research for my last post, I came across something that needs to be shared.

I love the smell of Smurfs in the morning...

In a highly, um, original publicity move, UNICEF has made a commercial showing the Smurfs' village being wiped out by an aerial bombardment. The whole commercial (yes, La-la-la song and all) can be seen in this report from CBS News.
Tune in next week, when Optimus Prime puts all the Japanese-built Autobots into internment camps, Prince Adam testifies to Congress about his alleged steroid abuse, and Pidge is tried for crimes against humanity.

Oh yeah, and you should help UNICEF to protect children in warzones all around the world, which was the actual point of the commercial. It's an exceptionally good cause (and if you don't, I think the Fraggles are next).

Road trip

The Frau and I recently took our first road trip since getting married. We went to lovely Springfield, MO for the Ozark Genealogical Society's annual convention. Not that we were there for doing genealogy; Frau was sent there by her employer, a historical society.

So what did I think of Springfield? In the words of the poets:

Springfield Springfield, It's a hell of a town
The schoolyard's up and the shopping mall's down.
The stray dogs go to the animal pound!

Apparently, Bart and Milhouse were too busy going crazy Broadway-style to mention the endless fields of strip malls, monstrously large outdoor-supply shops, and horrendous traffic. I also attended their annual Cider Festival, which was not that festive and had very little cider.

But there were two things there I did truly love, though. The first was the Thai House restaurant, just down the street from the Bass Pro Shop. I highly recommend the Jerry Chicken, which has a strangely un-Thai sounding name, but it is very good. It involves a big-ass ladleful of peanut sauce, and if that doesn't convince you I don't know what will.

The second cool thing was finding out that Springfield's tallest (read: only) skyscaper is home to the famous Teen Titans. How cool is that: DC Comics' most famous minor league team have their headquarters next door to the Cardinals' minor league team? Of course, the sign in front says it's the "John Q. Hammons Building", and I've been told that Springfield's less comics-educated residents know it as the "Darth Vader Building", but these are obiously a clever ruse to keep villains away. Don't believe me? See for yourself:


I rest my case. Cartoon Network doesn't lie, people.