The Great White North - Part I

Sorry I didn't write anything last week. That's because I was out of town, at a conference in lovely Minneapolis. I'd never been to the Twin Cities before, except for very briefly passing through once on a road trip in high school, so I was excited to go and explore.

I flew out of St. Louis on early Monday, which got me there in time to take the train downtown, find my hotel, unpack, and still have most of the day to see the sights. Of course, I'd already seen one sight: the world's largest whoopee cushion was on the way to the hotel, but I had no real interest in seeing that. As my Kansas City friends will tell you, Cardinals fans are often known for their ability to hold a grudge.

Anyway, I decided to start my adventure by taking the light rail, which had brought me from the airport to my hotel, back down in the other direction to that most famous of all Minneapolis attractions: the Mall of America. For those who have never seen it, I can only describe the Mall's terrible glory in the following way:

• Count the number of shopping malls in the city where you live.
• Take the four biggest, and lay them end to end in a big square.
• Take the rest of the malls, and stack them on top like Lincoln Logs.
• For good measure, drop an amusement park in the center.

As you can imagine, the overall effect is, shall we say, a little overwhelming.

By the Hammer of Thor!

Torn between my hatred of shopping and my obsessive love of wandering aimlessly, I decided to take one quick lap around the mall and then head back. Tragically, I did not realize at the time that "one quick lap" would require fourteen solid hours of walking. Along the way, I saw stores that sold NASCAR crap, stores that sold only John Deere keychains, stores that sold juggling equipment. I even saw a "QVC Store" directly above an "As Seen on TV" store, for God's sake. In one store window I even saw a copy of the Farming Game, which I had thought only existed in that weird parallel universe where my father-in-law buys all his stuff. Come to think of it, maybe this was that weird parallel universe.

ABOVE: My own personal hell, as seen from space.
Courtesy of Google Maps - click on image for closer look
(note the scale at bottom left)

Eventually, my shoes began to wear out and I was nearing the point of exhaustion. I was starting to wonder if I would have to spend the night in the mall and continue my trek in the morning. My head began to fill with dark visions of a whole life spent in the mall -- sleeping in photo booths, living on discarded Cinnabons, and being hunted for sport by roving packs of surly goth kids -- when finally I turned a corner and was back where I'd begun. I never thought I would ever be so glad to see a bus station under a parking garage, but I had survived.

Little did I know that this would be excellent preparation for the rest of my week, but we'll get back to that later.

Stay tuned for the continuing saga in Part II, coming soon...