Nothing new under the sun...
I keep hearing in the news about how Hollywood is having such a rough year, and their profits are way down compared to last year.
Poor Hollywood.
Since I'm such a nice guy, I'll give them a little hint why fewer people are going to the movies this summer: we've already seen them. I wouldn't think this was a difficult thing to realize, but then again, this is Hollywood we're talking about, the same people who thought that this was a good time for a movie about a terrorist superhero. So, let me spell this out for them a little better.
Here, in no special order, is a list of popular movies that have come out in recent months, or are scheduled to come out soon:
That, dear Hollywood, is the problem; I don't want to see the Bad News Bears or the Honeymooners or War of the Worlds because I've already seen/read them. Ok, I mostly don't want to see Honeymooners because it has Cedric the Entertainer in it, but you get my point.
In all fairness, this is not to say that the originals were all that great. The infamous "tunnel scene" from the original Chocolate Factory scarred countless children for life (including me), and whoever put that in that movie should be shot. And it should be noted that there is absolutely nothing wrong with reusing a good idea, if it's done properly. No matter how old he is, Batman is a great character, and Batman Begins is a great movie. After all, the Lord of the Rings was based on an extremely beloved series of books, and the movies were amazing.
But here's the thing. That was LORD OF THE RINGS, not Dukes of Hazzard. One is taking a great book and making it into a comparably good movie; the other is recycling crap for lack of a better idea. Hollywood has officially run out of ideas, so they are digging through their neighbor Television's trash can.
This can lead to dangerously bad decisions. The Wachowski Brothers (aka the Matrix guys) are releasing their new movie "V for Vendetta" in November. Based (however loosely) on the famous graphic novel by Alan Moore, it's the story of a brilliant but deranged anarchist, known only as "V", who takes on an evil totalitarian government and brings it to its knees. The problem is that V is an insane terrorist who, among other things, blows up half of London. Even setting aside the unfortunate resemblance to the recent terrorist attacks, who in their right mind thinks this is the time for a bomb-throwing, police-killing, lunatic "hero" who devotes his life to creating chaos?
So, if the Powers That Be want to keep recycling old crap from television because they are too lazy to invent their own, so be it. But to help them out, here are a few of my suggestions for shows they should rehash into new movies:
Smokey and the Bandit - Why not? Judging from Dukes of Hazzard and The Longest Yard, Burt Reynolds must be really hard up for money anyway.
Happy Days - Turn the Fonz into a badass biker dude who terrifies the townfolk.
Mister Ed - Everybody loves talking animals with irritating theme songs. Don't they?
Namor, the Sub-Mariner - While Marvel Comics is eternally reaching ever farther into their barrel of characters for movies, why not Namor? He's like Aquaman with a bad haircut and anger management issues, and he was really popular once (circa 1940). Oh wait, apparently they're already working on that one.
Oh my God. It's even worse than I thought...
Poor Hollywood.
Since I'm such a nice guy, I'll give them a little hint why fewer people are going to the movies this summer: we've already seen them. I wouldn't think this was a difficult thing to realize, but then again, this is Hollywood we're talking about, the same people who thought that this was a good time for a movie about a terrorist superhero. So, let me spell this out for them a little better.
Here, in no special order, is a list of popular movies that have come out in recent months, or are scheduled to come out soon:
- Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - a remake of the beloved 1970's Gene Wilder movie.
- The Longest Yard - a remake of the beloved-by-some 1970s Burt Reynolds movie.
- Bad News Bears - a remake of the somewhat less beloved (but still funny) 1970's Walter Matthau movie.
- The Honeymooners - a remake of the beloved 1950s TV show.
- Bewitched - a remake of the beloved 1960s TV show.
- Dukes of Hazzard - a remake of the beloved 1970s TV show.
- Aeon Flux - a remake of the hideously bad 1990s animated TV show.
- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - a remake of the beloved Douglas Adams novel, created in 1979.
- Fantastic Four - a remake of the beloved Stan Lee comic book, created in 1961.
- Batman Begins - a remake of he beloved Bob Kane comic book, created in 1939.
- War of the Worlds - a remake of the beloved H.G. Wells novel, created in 1898.
That, dear Hollywood, is the problem; I don't want to see the Bad News Bears or the Honeymooners or War of the Worlds because I've already seen/read them. Ok, I mostly don't want to see Honeymooners because it has Cedric the Entertainer in it, but you get my point.
In all fairness, this is not to say that the originals were all that great. The infamous "tunnel scene" from the original Chocolate Factory scarred countless children for life (including me), and whoever put that in that movie should be shot. And it should be noted that there is absolutely nothing wrong with reusing a good idea, if it's done properly. No matter how old he is, Batman is a great character, and Batman Begins is a great movie. After all, the Lord of the Rings was based on an extremely beloved series of books, and the movies were amazing.
But here's the thing. That was LORD OF THE RINGS, not Dukes of Hazzard. One is taking a great book and making it into a comparably good movie; the other is recycling crap for lack of a better idea. Hollywood has officially run out of ideas, so they are digging through their neighbor Television's trash can.
This can lead to dangerously bad decisions. The Wachowski Brothers (aka the Matrix guys) are releasing their new movie "V for Vendetta" in November. Based (however loosely) on the famous graphic novel by Alan Moore, it's the story of a brilliant but deranged anarchist, known only as "V", who takes on an evil totalitarian government and brings it to its knees. The problem is that V is an insane terrorist who, among other things, blows up half of London. Even setting aside the unfortunate resemblance to the recent terrorist attacks, who in their right mind thinks this is the time for a bomb-throwing, police-killing, lunatic "hero" who devotes his life to creating chaos?
So, if the Powers That Be want to keep recycling old crap from television because they are too lazy to invent their own, so be it. But to help them out, here are a few of my suggestions for shows they should rehash into new movies:
Smokey and the Bandit - Why not? Judging from Dukes of Hazzard and The Longest Yard, Burt Reynolds must be really hard up for money anyway.
Happy Days - Turn the Fonz into a badass biker dude who terrifies the townfolk.
Mister Ed - Everybody loves talking animals with irritating theme songs. Don't they?
Namor, the Sub-Mariner - While Marvel Comics is eternally reaching ever farther into their barrel of characters for movies, why not Namor? He's like Aquaman with a bad haircut and anger management issues, and he was really popular once (circa 1940). Oh wait, apparently they're already working on that one.
Oh my God. It's even worse than I thought...
posted by Skippy | 1:25 PM
1 Comments:
I'm going to hold out for a new version of The Donna Reed Show. Naturally, this will involve bringing her back from the dead, but George Romero has clearly jumped the shark, so maybe we would finally get a half-decent zombie movie.
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