The Daily Marmoset

Your Favorite Destination on the "Next Blog" Superhighway.

Friday, February 29, 2008

As long as they're not gay (Friday WTF)

This Friday WTF is not a video, but an article. What article could cause such a shocking break with tradition? Two words:

Monkey Wedding.

If those two words don't make you say "WTF?", then I honestly don't know what will.

ABOVE: the happy couple, Jhumri (left)
and Manu, are registered at the
Ghanteswara
Farmer's Market.

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Friday, February 22, 2008

What really matters (Friday WTF)

The second half of Presidents Week here at the Marmoset has been postponed due to foul weather and massive workloads.

I only have time to wish a happy 276th Birthday to Big George, and a happy 90th to Mr. Robert Wadlow, aka the Alton Giant (even though he unfortunately died at the age of 22).

We will continue our Presidents Week coverage later, but in the meantime here's this week's (cleverly chosen) Friday WTF, brought to you by the good people at JibJab:


(Lord, do I miss the Animaniacs.)

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Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Hail to the Chiefs, part 3

Our President's Week coverage continues with the battle for...

Scariest President:

Real - Andrew Jackson. Don't let the old guy on the $20 bill fool you. Besides being a war hero who enjoyed crushing Indian tribes for menacingly minding their own business, he also liked dueling. A lot. He fought over a dozen duels in his life, killing at least one person and being shot multiple times himself. He fell in love with a married woman, Rachel Robards, but the marriage allegedly ended when Jackson threatened her husband's life. Last but not least, Jackson (at the age of 67!) became the only president in American history to personally kick the ass of his would-be assassin.

Fictional - President Lindburg (aka the gigantic black guy from the Fifth Element). I'm not sure if he's actually president of the U.S.A., but close enough. He's played by "Tiny" Lister, best known (to me, anyway) as Sancho from the music video for "Santeria".

Winner - Tough call, but I've got to give this one to Jackson. I could be wrong, but I'll bet $20 that if Jackson had been in charge, that weird space-force thingy would have run crying to its mother (assuming it has a mother) within the first 20 minutes.

ABOVE: Congrats to President Jackson,
who is officially the scariest old man of his era.

I also forgot to mention that his inauguration in 1829 was an open party, where the White House was mobbed by thousands of well-wishers, who looted the place and nearly rioted over the free booze and ice cream. This makes Jackson a front-runner for the title of "Most Rock n' Roll President".

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Hail to the Chiefs, part 2

It's President's Week here at the Daily Marmoset, and we bring you two important pieces of presidential news:

  • Three new images of Abraham Lincoln's second inauguration have been discovered in the Library of Congress. They were lost for most of the last 143 years because someone mislabeled them. (Insert long, librarian-ish lecture on the importance of metadata here) Before this, there were only two known photos of that most important day. Now all we need is a photo of Andrew Johnson's pre-party to complete the set.
  • Fidel Castro is stepping down, and I never thought I'd live to see this day. Seriously, he may be 52 years older than me, but ten different presidents have prayed for this. Castro outlasted nine of them, and he's outlived six (so far). I really thought he might be immortal.
Anyway, we continue our groundbreaking matchups of real vs. fictional presidents with...

BEST HAIR:

Real - James Knox Polk. Our 11th President was a pioneer in many ways. He greatly increased the size of the U.S. by forcibly taking the northern half of Mexico in one war, and he nearly started a second war at the same time by grabbing a large chunk of British territory. That's great and all, but Polk's real contribution to this great land of ours? He was our first and (by the grace of God) only mulleted president.

Fictional - Hell, I don't know. Michael Douglas, maybe? Or Chris Rock's dad in Idiocracy? (I really should watch that movie one of these days.) Does it even matter?

Winner - Polk, by a landslide, again. Not even Henry Clay could withstand the fearsome power of that mullet. (Poor Clay, he tried so damn hard...)

ABOVE: He was from Tennessee, you know.


Stay tuned for more Presidential trivia, and to see who wins the title for "Best Dancer".

Monday, February 18, 2008

Hail to the Chiefs

Happy Presidents Day! It's the holiday that takes the birthdays of two great men, consolidates them into one easy-to-schedule event, and then doesn't give you a day off work anyway.

Come to think of it, disappointment and half-hearted efforts actually are fairly appropriate way to celebrate a lot of our fearless leaders. Maybe a little too appropriate...

Anyway, Yahoo Movies is celebrating with a list of their top 10 cinematic presidents. How do these fictional presidents stack up against the real things? Let's try a little head-to-head comparison...

NICEST PERSON:

Real - Dwight D. Eisenhower. Despite being a five-star general (and having the thoroughly awesome title of Supreme Allied Commander), Ike was known for his winning smile and exceptional golf game. He famously once said that Adolf Hitler was the only person he'd ever met that he didn't like. Even his campaign slogan, "I Like Ike" was relentlessly friendly, and his political ads looked like Disney cartoons.

Fictional - Merkin Muffley (played by the great Peter Sellers in Dr. Strangelove). He had all of Eisenhower's charm and courtesy. Come to think of it, he even kinda looked like Eisenhower. Muffley's faults were many and varied, but niceness was not one of them. He was endlessly polite to Dmitri (and his wife) when trying to explain that a deranged American general had launched a nuclear strike against Russia. And he uttered the greatest line in the history of fictional American presidents: "You can't fight in here, this is the War Room!"

Winner - Eisenhower. Sorry Muffley, but Armageddon is just not very nice, is it? And Ike did try to warn us about this sort of thing. Besides, he may have been a heck of a nice guy, but Ike was a general too, and I can't imagine him getting upstaged by George C. Scott like Muffley. (He used to be Patton's boss, after all...)

ABOVE: You just want do give him a hug, don't you?

BEST LEADER IN COMBAT:

Real - James Madison. The first (and far as I know, only) president to personally supervise American forces on a major battlefield, Madison helped direct the defense of Washington D.C. when the British attacked it in August 1814. Only two things kept him from being known as a great warrior: (a) he was 5'4", 100lb. lawyer with absolutely no military training, and (b) the Brits kicked the crap out of us and then torched the city.

Fictional - Thomas Whitmore (played by Bill Pullman) Whitmore was a former fighter pilot, so when aliens conveniently invade on 4th of July weekend, does he sit back in the Oval Office and watch the action on CNN like the rest of us? Hell no, he saddles up and leads the charge on the alien mothership. So what if the battle was actually won by Cousin Eddie? Whitmore at least gets the assist. He also wins 5 bonus points for his rhetorical skills.

Winner - You're kidding, right?

ABOVE: OK, so I loved this movie
when I was in high school. Back off.


(EDITOR'S NOTE: What other half-assed honors can we give out to dead and/or imaginary Presidents? Stay tuned to find out...)

Friday, February 15, 2008

I can't hear you, because I hate you (Friday WTF)

Like millions of guys my age, I grew up both idolizing G.I. Joe and marveling at the boundless stupidity of Cobra. This video explains so much:



In closing, here's a special post-Valentine bonus video for mein Frau.

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Tuesday, February 12, 2008

It's a good day to be Willard Scott

We at the Daily Marmoset would like to wish a very Happy Birthday to Abraham Lincoln and Charles Darwin! Our most beloved president and the father of evolution are both 199 years young today. Of course, they've been dead for 143 and 126 years, respectively, but hopefully that won't dampen their spirits (no pun intended). I just hope Abe and Charlie don't overdo the partying; they have to be fresh (relatively speaking) for their big bicentennials next year.

This was a busy day in history. Today was also the 130th birthday of the catcher's mask, patented on this day in 1878 by Harvard baseball captain Fred Thayer. Countless players owe their still-intact skulls to Thayer's innovation.

In related news, a study has found that "Reaching 100 is easier than suspected". Of course it's easy. Living to be a hundred is a piece of cake, as long as you don't stop breathing.

Monday, February 11, 2008

He needed a bigger boat.

I just want to wish a fond Marmoset farewell to Roy Scheider, who died yesterday at the age of 75.

This, surprisingly enough, is not how he died.


Scheider, of course, was best known as Chief Brody, theExploder of Sharks from the movie Jaws. (Yes, I know, he was also in at least one of the sequels, but I wasn't going to mention that out of respect for the dead.) He made many other movies in his long career, and he almost always did a great job in them, but none of them would live up to Jaws. Last time I saw him, he was still kicking ass (however briefly) as Frank Castle Sr., the Punisher's father.

In tribute to Mr. Scheider, we now present the following:
EDITOR'S NOTE: I wouldn't watch these at work if I were you, especially the second one.

Jaws in 60 Seconds - an excellent cartoon that is exactly what it says:


The Irate Gamer's review of Nintendo's classic JAWS video game:



I always liked this game, though I can't really dispute anything the Irate Gamer says about it. Furthermore, I absolutely agree with him about Silent Service and Duck Hunt. Especially Duck Hunt.

Friday, February 08, 2008

The cutest sport on Earth (Friday WTF)

This week's installment of the WTF brings you, by popular demand, the single most blindingly, overwhelmingly, horrifically adorable thing known to man.

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Prolonged exposure may cause diabetes, rapid tooth decay, and the sudden urge to roll down a hillside full of daisies.




Haven't blacked out yet from small animal overload? Don't forget the halftime show:

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Friday, February 01, 2008

Plunder and burn, Henson style (Friday WTF)

We now bring you our special Snow Day edition of the Friday WTF



One thought - people made of felt and foam rubber should be much more careful around open flames.

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