The Daily Marmoset

Your Favorite Destination on the "Next Blog" Superhighway.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Screw you, Barry

(NOTE: This is a post I hoped I'd never write, especially not on my birthday. But it needs to be done.)

Barry Bonds hit his 715th home run the other day, surpassing Babe Ruth for the #2 spot on the list of all-time home run hitters.

I have only one thing to say about this:

*

Anyone with any knowledge of baseball and/or an ounce of common sense knows that Bonds reached these lofty heights by cheating. The infuriating part is that Bonds was already one of the all-time greats before he bulked himself into a Frankensteinian freak of nature. Bonds was a brilliant all-around player who could hit, run and field. Now he's the mother of all power hitters; strong as an ox and twice as slow. Once a great fielder, his defensive skills are a complete joke.

Bonds was a lock for the Hall of Fame to begin with, but his name should be followed by the world's biggest asterisk until his offenses can be proven, and it should be forever banned from baseball once they are. This is a sad day for baseball.


To ease my own frustration, I submit to the world two creations of my own design. What better way to commemorate this event than with some artificial monstrosities?

Friday, May 26, 2006

We're Number 3! We're Number 3!

A survey by the AutoVantage auto club recently listed the cities with the most courteous drivers. To the shock and surprise of everyone, Saint Louis ranked #3, behind St. Paul and Nashville.

A few quick observations:
  • St. Louis is third best? No, I guess they didn't visit my neighborhood either.
  • May God have mercy on the good people of Miami, who topped the list of the least courteous drivers. (In case you were wondering, the other worst cities were Phoenix, New York, Los Angeles, and Boston.)
  • Atlanta was #5 on the MOST courteous list? I've heard tales about driving in Atlanta, and their courtesy is rarely mentioned.
  • I told you St. Louis drivers are better than in Kansas City.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Bumper Sticker of the Week

Because I don't have the time or creativity to come up with anything else right now, I present a bumper sticker seen on South Grand yesterday:

"YEEHAW" IS NOT A FOREIGN POLICY


That is all.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Viva Uzbekistan!

While I'm at it, congrats to Bakhodir Choriyev, who made my day last week by inspiring the headline Uzbek plots revolution from home in St. Louis in the paper. Yes, Mr. Choriyev is seeking to overthrow (peacefully, of course) the government in his homeland of Uzbekistan from a two-bedroom apartment near Grand and Chippewa in south St. Louis. Hey, there are worse places to start revolutions; if he needs a break from plotting, then Ted Drewes is right down the road, offering a tasty treat for him and all three of his US-based cohorts. Yes, his Uzbek Solidarity Party boasts a total of four members in the United States. Best of luck to them.

Speaking of fine St. Louis cuisine, a big congratulations to Super Smokers BBQ, which has (finally) risen from the ashes of poor management and reopened for business.

Also on the theme of "Good luck with that", congrats to the lovely city of Guadalajara, Mexico, on designing what may be the strangest and least practical library of all time.
Not much else is going on at work. It's quiet, almost too quiet, and last time that happened the building had been evacuated by a fire alarm that can't be heard from my office (how comforting is that?) I should probably go find a coworker now.

One final shout out before I go: I've said it before and I'll say it again: Stephen Colbert is a great man.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Is that a sword, or are you just happy to see me?

EDITOR'S NOTE: As a special treat for our devoted readers, today we have a guest column by the one and only Frau Skippy.

I can neither confirm nor deny the details of her story, but I will say this: Our society tells us that carrying a sword is ridiculous, and sometimes our society is just plain wrong.

Take it away, Frau...

On April Fool’s Day, 2006, I had the honor of accompanying my lovely, and I do mean lovely husband, a.k.a. Skippy Marmoset, to his induction to become a Fourth Degree Knight of Columbus. Now this honor is usually dispersed to a much more, uh hum, mature group of men. However, my husband – a man of a younger, more delicate, and more politically correct generation – decided to join the fraternity of bad joke telling, feather wearing, sword baring, cape draped, drunken, dirty old men anyway. The only thing missing from this motley group are miniature cars – shout out to the Shriners.

Now, I’m not saying that being part of the Knights of Columbus is bad; their charity drives and attention to worthy causes help many in need. And believe you me they aren’t afraid to slur their views over a friendly day/night cap consisting of their third, fourth, tenth (who’s counting?) Jack and Coke. Nor are they afraid to compliment their lovely, lovely ladies, who seem to just get lovelier with every drink. Nonetheless, it’s very difficult to get over the fact that you’re around a bunch of men playing Spanish pirate and still holding on to the belief that Christopher Columbus was the first to discover the Americas.

Skippy claims to be part of the fresh, new class of Fourth Degree Knights, you know not just part of their grandfathers’ drinking buddies. And because of our trusting, newlywed, pure, almost nauseating trust and love, I want to believe that; I really do. However, the day he sports a feather-topped hat, a sword complete with scabbard, and a vampire cape, he will have Frau Skippy to reckon with!!!